It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You may now shotgun with the bride
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
