so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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