Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
