I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
