Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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