It's like God shit irony all over that family
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
