Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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