The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
