the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
