You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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