if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
