I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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