is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
