You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
