She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
