Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
