Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
