If that was your dad, he is hot
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
