it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
