Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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