He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
