I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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