Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize