I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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