I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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