I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Let's get the cat blown out
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
