i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
