I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
