We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
