Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
