there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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