Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
