I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
