Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
