9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
