oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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