Since when is my name a synonym for head?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You pole danced in your parka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
