Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
