I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Drake has all the answers
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
