Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
