You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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