so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
