look no pants
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
