he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize