i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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