shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
where are you?
Hypothermia
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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