when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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