he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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