i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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