my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
