just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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