I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
