You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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