i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
