im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
